Doris Reviews 50 Shades of Grey

Dear Hollywood,

I’m Doris! I’m a 6-month old, opinionated terrier from Minneapolis. I am writing today because everything is mine! Which is why I ate the 50 Shades of Grey DVD that my mom rented from Redbox! All I have to say is… WOOF! This movie was gross. I’m not just talking about the fact that it was indigestible. I’ve eaten mice, baby birds, poop, my own poop, other puppy’s poop, vomit, my own vomit, my mom’s vomit… well, you get the point. I’ve digested some pretty terrible things. But this movie was the worst. The content may have been worse on my stomach than the actual shards of DVD.

I have several main concerns regarding 50. First, I am 99% sure Anastasia’s mom is an alcoholic. Because she was just like my mom! Multiple cosmos in the am… yeah, they could be twins. I really hope you address this in the sequel. I assume you’re making a sequel? Bad movie = multiple sequels. I’ve never understood your math, Hollywood. But then again, I don’t know what math is… squirrel!

Secondly, I am 100% sure you misrepresented female sexuality. Because I live with a female. She’s my mom. And she’s the smartest, beautifulest, bestest woman in the whole world. But she hates when I try to bite and scratch her. Actually she NEVER likes to be in pain. Sometimes I run too fast in front of her and she falls over something, which is kind of like flogging? I guess this does make her come… come right over to YELL at me!

Last but DEFINITELY not least, we need to discuss underwear. It’s my favorite thing in the whole world. I eat it every day, even though I am NOT supposed to! I guess you could say it’s my fetish. As an underwear connoisseur, I know that the you misrepresented them in 50. Lace never lasts. Every time my mom sticks her big foot in the leg hole of a lace panty, they rip. I’ve seen it a million times. And where were the bras?! Those are my second favorite thing to eat, but I didn’t see one! Even if you have itty bitty titties, bras are needed to protect those nipples, especially if they’re as big as Anastasia’s… wowza! Nipples are my third favorite thing to eat, by the way!

In conclusion, Christian Grey needs to trade in some floggers for a freaking therapist. My god, that guy has more issues than People magazine. Subconsciously I think I ate the DVD so no other puppy would have to endure that nonsense. Whatever happened to good quality, family films about man’s best friend? Like Reservoir Dogs!